My mother would always accuse my wife of eating all my money because she wasn’t working at the time.

You see, I have the kind of mother who always felt entitled to my money.

And to be honest with you, I would have cut her off a long time ago. But the kind of wife I have is like an angel in human form. An angel that I sometimes feel is too good to even exist in this world.

Because the same woman my mother was accusing of eating all my money was the same person always telling me,

“Anything you know you can do for mama, do it. You won’t always have your mother here with you. She’s your mother at the end of the day.”

And please, don’t get me wrong. I love giving my mother things. I genuinely love doing things for her.

But my problem was that my mother was becoming too entitled.

There’s no day I don’t hear this words from her, “After everything I did for you. After all I’ve suffered to raise you.”

And go be honest, my mother didn’t suffer anything to raise me. Sorry to say this.

At the end of the day, I suffered to train myself in a school. 

I went from farm to farm, planting and harvesting things for people so just to go to school.

But now that it seems like God don butter my bread, for everything, she would call me.

Even for little things she could afford by herself, she would still call me.

“Come and do this for me.”

And because she was my mother, I would still do it.

One day, around this period last year, she said she needed a car.

My siblings and I discussed it, and we decided to get one for her.

It was actually a tough time for me financially. I had a lot of responsibilities. But my wife kept saying the same thing:

“Anything you know you can do for her, do it. She’s your mother.”

And that was the kind of person my wife was.

Whenever I wanted to give something to somebody, she would never stop me.

In fact, sometimes she would tell me,

“Give the person more.”

She was quiet. Reserved. Kind. Peaceful.

And even up till today, she is still that kind of person.

My wife was never the type to ask me what I was giving people. She never complained when I spent money helping my family. She simply encouraged me.

Unfortunately, I took that kindness for granted.

I was always helping my mother and every other person.

I was always contributing whenever there was a project in my father’s house.

Always solving one family problem or another.

And because I knew I had an understanding wife, I became too comfortable.

Whenever there was something I needed to do for my wife, I would say,

“Baby, please understand. You know there is a project at hand.”

And because she was understanding, she would understand.

I would tell her to hold on.

And she would hold on.

The painful part?

Sometimes, I would never go back to do that thing I promised her.

Because, in my mind, I already knew one thing:

My wife will understand.

I provided food for the house. I paid the bills. I took care of the things I believed were necessary.

And in my mind, I had done everything I needed to do as a husband.

Because my wife didn’t complain, I assumed she was fine.

Because she didn’t ask, I assumed she didn’t need anything.

I didn’t know I was making one of the biggest mistakes of my marriage.

Then came the day that changed everything.

My mother was preparing for her retirement celebration.

And my wife practically handled almost everything.

She went to the market.

She bought my mother’s lace.

She bought shoes.

She bought other things my mother would need.

When she was done, I sent her money to buy gifts we would share to people who came for the celebration.

She did everything without complaining.

Later that evening, she called me.

“My love, I saw one beautiful lace at the market. I was thinking of buying it so I could wear it for Mummy’s retirement.”

I don’t know what came over me.

I said,

“Ah-ah! Are you the one doing the retirement?”

She became quiet.

I continued.

“The retirement is for Mummy. Why do you want to buy another lace and add another expense to my head? Please, I don’t have money.”

She didn’t argue.

She simply said,

“Okay.”

I hung up.

And to be honest, I was even glad I said no.

I’m someone who plans everything in my head. I hate unexpected expenses.

So in my mind, I was thinking,

See this woman oh. She wants to come and add extra load that I didn’t plan for.

But that evening, my wife called me again.

“Is everything okay?” I asked.

“Everything is fine, my love. But I want to ask you a question.”

“What’s the question?”

She paused.

Then she asked me something I never saw coming.

“When will it be my turn?”

I didn’t understand.

“Your turn for what?”

She said,

“I encourage you to help your family. I encourage you to give to people. I join you in celebrating everybody.”

Then she said something that humbled me completely.

“But I’ve never been celebrated as your wife.”

I became quiet.

She continued.

“People call you generous. They call you different names because of the things you do for them. Some call you Nwakaibeya. Some call you Onwa n’etiri obodo.”

Then she said,

“But I am your wife, and you barely do anything for me.”

And then she said something that made my heart sink.

“Open my bag and show me what you have bought for me in these five years of our marriage.”

I didn’t need to open the bag.

I already knew the answer.

Nothing.

Nothing.

I suddenly became ashamed of myself.

This woman had spent years supporting me.

Encouraging me to give to everybody around me.

Helping me take care of my family.

Making sure everybody was comfortable.

But I had forgotten to make sure that she was comfortable too.

I had mistaken her silence for satisfaction.

Because she didn’t ask.

Because she didn’t complain.

Because she didn’t know how to demand things.

That day, it was as if someone placed a mirror in front of me.

And for the first time, I saw myself clearly.

I told her,

“I’m sorry.”

She was quiet.

I said,

“I’m really sorry. You shouldn’t have to ask me before I remember that you deserve nice things too.”

Then I told her the truth.

“You’ve never asked me for anything, and I used that as an excuse not to notice you.”

I immediately transferred ₦500,000 to her account.

“Please, buy whatever you want. And this money is for you. Don’t use it to buy anything for the children. Don’t use it for the house. Don’t use it for anybody. Buy something for yourself.”

There was silence.

Then my wife said, in a cracked voice,

“My Odogwu Parara… My Crown, I hail you!”

I knew she had probably been crying badly.

But I needed my cheerful queen back, so I had to go with the flow.

As she called me My Odogwu Parara, my head swelled like garri wey person pour too much water inside.

I laughed so hard.

And for the first time, I saw my wife genuinely excited about doing something for herself.

She went shopping and started sending me pictures of everything she bought.

When she eventually wore her outfit for my mother’s retirement, I looked at her and smiled.

My wife was beautiful.

But beyond how beautiful she looked that day, I was happy because I finally understood something I should have understood years ago.

A woman doesn’t have to complain before she deserves to be cared for.

A person doesn’t have to ask before you notice their needs.

The people who ask for the least are sometimes the people we take for granted the most.

From that day, I made a promise to myself.

I would never again use my wife’s silence as proof that she didn’t need anything.

She is my wife.

She is the mother of my children.

She is the woman who stood beside me and encouraged me to be generous to everyone else.

She deserves that same generosity from me.

And honestly, I never want my wife to get to the point where she has to ask me,

“When will it be my turn?”

before I remember that she deserves to be celebrated too.

Morals of the story

1. When you marry someone who doesn’t know how to ask for things, don’t wait until they ask. Pay attention.

Silence doesn’t always mean they don’t need anything. Sometimes, it simply means they are selfless.

2. Don’t be generous to everybody outside your home while neglecting the person who stands beside you every day.

Your family should not only experience your responsibility.

They should also experience your love, your thoughtfulness, and your generosity.

Because sometimes, the person who asks for the least is the person you need to notice the most.

© Chiamaka Favour Christian 

THE STORYTHERAPIST 🩺